The Black Fog (Part 1) by Kate Ariel
The way we are raised has so much to do with the kind of a person you will become as an adult. I have recognized that I, and other victims of emotional abuse have a different behaviour that sets us apart from other people.
If you or you know someone who was a victim of emotional abuse then you may want to read through these so that you are able to understand that person and where they are coming from and what they are all about. That can make the difference in your life and theirs.
Emotional abuse is more treacherous than other abuses and damaging. It’s through this type of persecution, my partner attacked me – using words and mannerisms that caused much pain and suffering to my emotions. Over time, he systematically battered my self-confidence and self-worth. He created hurt so much deep that I could no longer bear his presence in my life.
He never wanted to take responsibility for his own actions. He constantly blamed me for everything, even for his own abusive behaviour. When I confronted him, he always had some excuse to justify himself, he would disguise his nasty hurtful cutting comments as humor. I was subjected to insults, put-downs, shouting, and threats. I was criticized, called names, humiliated and given ultimatums at his hands.
He typically ended his verbal assaults by accusing me of provoking him or telling me that I deserved it. He would avoid my explanations and whatever I might say in my own defence.
His body language told it all, that’s when I realized what I was dealing with. For instance, he would consistently choose to walk in front of me, rather than beside me when we were out together. I don’t remember the time he held my hand when we were together. Even at the restaurant, it was like two strange people eating together. The messages I got was that he couldn’t care less about me, he somehow thought he was better than me, that I cannot do anything without him.
He rarely had anything nice to say to me. He always made me feel completely undeserving of even the tiniest amount of appreciation, compliment, and support. He was also secretive and dishonest about important matters such as his financial affairs, he would never want to spend his money on me nor tell me how much he earns. Often he made plans or commitments for his own, without my consent, and refused to answer my questions when I ask him about his plans.
He would not communicate with me without being abusive, he would just raise his voice and would never listen to me. He was narrow-minded of any opinions, his constant accusations and dogmatic way of speaking always made me feel like am incapable and unappreciated.
Living under the cloud of emotional abuse does affect one’s health and well-being, you lose yourself during that process. I made many attempts to tell him how his words and actions made me feel, he didn’t want to listen to what I had to say because whatever I wanted to say was not worth his time or attention, he couldn’t care less about what I wanted to tell him, what I felt and what I was going through. Me losing weight and being a dependent of antidepressant, I guess he got pleasure in it. He looked like he got what he wanted, seeing me suffer.
He was deeply in denial about his own abusive behaviour. He didn’t want to believe that he was abusing me, he was solidly convinced that I alone was to blame for his inability to relate to me in a loving, accepting and non-abusive way, that I wasn’t communicating with him in a rightful manner. He was the victim in all this and I was to blame for his behaviour and what was happening to the relationship, I was “Dramatic” so he said.
In the long run, I saw that under those circumstances, I would never be able to end the cycle of abuse and the anguish it brought me and I began to implement my options for breaking free. I decided that I couldn’t live that life for the rest of my life. I knew that he didn’t love because I believed love was NOT bringing your partner down, making them feel unworthy. I wasn’t destined to live that kind of life, God did not create me to suffer in another man’s hands, and He has a Greater plan for my life. That’s when I had so much conviction to leave him.
Duncan Sebeso