“I Hid All My Scars With “I’m fine.” Kate Ariel
“I hid all my scars with “I’m fine.” Kate Ariel
Let me share with you something, there are wounds that would never show on your body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
Depression doesn’t discriminate. It knows no boundaries. Whether you are young, old, rich, poor, fat, thin, beautiful, ugly, popular, loved, and lonely- depression doesn’t see a difference and it affects all kinds of people.
Depressed people are not always lonely people who walk all alone. They are also the beautiful lady smiling as she sobs inside. They are one of the handsome guys playing soccer. They are the single mother pushing a baby stroller down the street smiling at her baby, the dad playing catch with his son, the dancer spinning, the singer singing her great songs, the blogger writing. The point is, we can’t always tell if someone is depressed or not just by looking at them because people are good at hiding their feelings. There are people out there, just getting through the day however they can to get to the next one even though they are tired of their life. No matter what everybody says to you, words and ideas can change the world, they have the ability to build.
Depression… it just eats you up slowly and slowly from the inside out. It’s like a monster inside your head that takes over your mind. The most horrible thing is it will isolate you and make you feel so lonely, that everything that was said to me, I managed to turn into a bad thing. I was plainly my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so drained from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was useless and so unbearable, waking up every day doing the same thing over and over again. I felt so sick when it’s night time because that’s when the voices got even louder and so many. I would get so fuming because it seemed difficult to sleep, it’s like insomnia and depression go hand in hand. The pain of wanting to sleep but you can’t.
I knew this wasn’t the life, I needed help, someone to talk to but asking for it just made me feel like a burden. I wanted to be free of meds, doctors and negative thoughts. I felt as if I’m losing myself and wouldn’t ever be the same again, I started being scared of life wondering why am I even living, I lacked the motivation to do anything because I couldn’t see a future for myself, not existing felt like a better option. Anxiety caused me to believe everyone was faking their love for me, so tend to push people away.
‘Cheer up’ people will say that but that was the worst thing anyone would say to me. I would cry myself to sleep because I wanted everyone to know how I felt but I didn’t dare to tell them because I felt they wouldn’t understand but would be judgmental about what am going through. Ultimately, I just decided to isolate myself in my room because no contact with people meant nothing could go wrong, surely? But that’s where the battlefield was at.
There was a moment where I relied on medication and I am grateful because it has really helped me. There are times where I felt like taking my own life. I sometimes wonder what hindered me to do it because I had all the resources to go just to commit suicide. The daunting thing about my whole recovery process is that the only person who can truly help me is me. I have learnt to change my thought processes and stop oppressing myself, it’s a habit that’s been hard to break but I know I’ve made some positive changes.
2013 was a rollercoaster ride and undeniably one with more lows than highs. I tell you I feel I have been to hell and back nonetheless would I change what I have been through?…… You are the only person who can turn your life around and choose what emotions you want your mind to play.
I feel if I hadn’t been through this hell hole I wouldn’t have learnt that the most important thing in life is to be happy. I have graduated from the university with an honours degree, achieved a lot of certificates in business and own my own business; I can now see a future. Given a chance to give one piece of advice to others who are struggling with this illness, it would be not to suffer in silence, talk to someone don’t isolate yourself. There are a lot of people out there who have been through everything that you are experiencing now and have come out on the other side, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do because depression is an illness like any other, you can overcome it.
###Depression is a disease. It can be treated.
Duncan Sebeso 
Administrator