Examples and Signs of Emotional Cheating
Here are some common (and not-so-common) signs of emotional cheating:
1) Your partner tells the outside person things that they don’t even tell you.
2) They’re more irritable toward you after connecting with the outside person.
3) They have a hard time tolerating brief periods of frustration, loneliness, or emotional discomfort within your relationship.
4) They often/always turn to the outside person for comfort when you’re unavailable.
5) They seem to connect with the outside person more often after unresolved conflicts with you.
6) They’ve been increasing the frequency of connection with the outside person.
7) They drop hints that they wish you were more like the outside person.
8) There are gift exchanges between them and the outside person.
9) They try to prevent you from seeing texts on their phone.
10) They compare your emotional capacity to the outside person’s emotional capacity
11) They seem more detached from you after connecting with the outside person.
12) They want a lot less sex.
13) They want a lot more sex but seem detached during sex with you.
14) They act differently when talking about the outside person.
15) They’ve stopped expressing their needs.
16) They’ve stopped communicating with you about deeper issues.
17) The relationship with this outside person acts as an “exit” from connection with you.
18) They seem to have given up on facing and resolving issues with you.
19) They use inappropriate terms of endearment with the outside person, such as “love you,” “miss you,” “baby,” “sweetheart,” “honey,” etc.
20) They minimize, deny, or mock your complaints about the outside person.
21) They get reactive, judge you, or emotionally distance from you when you request they create stronger boundaries with the outside person.
22) They tell you you’re too sensitive about their relationship with the outside person.
No single item on this list means your partner is emotionally cheating. But if you’re noticing that multiple items on this list are at play, it could be a sign that there’s a degree of emotional cheating occurring. It could also mean that you’ve stopped prioritizing the intimacy between you and your partner, and it’s time to recommit to one another—to lean into your feelings and vulnerabilities, despite fears or obstacles.
Warning: You shouldn’t use accusations of “emotional cheating” as a way of justifying forced, controlling, or manipulative behaviour toward your partner. If you or your partner have any major concerns about the dynamic between you—or if your behaviours are consistently hurtful and/or damaging to one another—you may want to seek professional counselling.
Emotional cheating versus friendship.
What’s the difference between friendship and emotional cheating? The short answer is that with friendships, there are different boundaries than in a main attachment. When a romantic partner becomes a priority in your life, it’s important for friendships to bend and give, even as they remain present and supportive. This allows more space for your relationship to develop as your main source of closeness and support. Opening up to depending on a romantic partner fosters bonding, trust, love, and intimacy.
How do you know whether an outside connection is a friendship or “emotional cheating”? Here are methods you can use to help you figure it out:
Ask yourself: Am I oversharing with this outside person? Disclosing too much? Strengthening an outside heart-connection at the expense of my partnership? Check in with yourself by change in to your body. Notice any subtle signals—sickness, tension, tightness in your chest or throat. Chances are, your own embodied intuition “knows” the answer and will tell you, if you create the space to listen.
Imagine that your partner is seeing the interactions between you and this friend, hearing the conversations, and maybe even picking up on your feelings of relief, excitement, or pride. Consider how your partner would feel. Would it make them uncomfortable? Would they feel hurt or betrayed? How would you feel if the tables were turned, and your partner had this closeness with someone else?
Why emotional cheating happens.
If your partner is emotionally cheating, you might be wondering: Why are they doing this? Is it because they’re secretly in love with this outside person? Have they stopped loving me? Is it because there’s something wrong? Is our relationship over?
Sometimes, the independent decision by one partner to “emotionally cheat” is consciously and strategically made, but more often than not it’s about small, increasing, perhaps well-intentioned, and unconscious boundary slippages—something that a partner thoughtlessly indulges in when they regularly share thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings, frustrations, passions, or other aspects of their inner world with someone else, unbeknownst to their partner.
More often than not, emotional cheating is a way that one partner is trying to get a deeper need met—or to protect themselves from a feared scenario. Why aren’t they trying to get this need met with you? How come they don’t just share their inner world, their fears, and vulnerabilities with you directly rather than cultivating a close bond elsewhere? These are big questions with complex answers that vary. Maybe they’ve tried to get close to you, but you’ve been dismissive, judgmental, or unavailable. Maybe they themselves are afraid of driving you away with their “neediness”. Maybe depending on you scares them.
Maybe they’re mad at you. Or maybe they don’t see emotional cheating the same way you do. Maybe they need lots of connection with a wide variety of people, whereas you don’t. There could be a lot of reasons, and these reasons could overlap and shift with time.
Strong attachments activate a web of old wounds and longings mingled with present-day desires and fears that influence how we try to defend against painful or overwhelming emotions within us, and/or against potentially uncomfortable experiences with an intimate partner. Emotional cheating is often one way we or our partners try to stay in control.
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Takudzwa Joylene Chigura